Don’t worry, be happy.
You may or may not have noticed I seem to have dropped off the face of the blogging planet recently. It was never my intention to leave it so long but I’ve tried not to give myself too much of a hard time about it with everything that has gone on this year. I’ve actually logged on here quite a few times resulting in many half written posts which I started to type up in an attempt to unload some of the heavy thoughts that pack my busy mind from day to day.
I guess this post will be of a similar nature however I hope to hit the publish button this time… just bear with me as structure is not something that comes easy to me at the moment.
So, how am I? I guess the easiest way to describe how things have been/are at the moment is chaotic but better. I’m still struggling with the chaos that comes with separation but when I think about how I was feeling several months ago it still leaves me catching my breath. Instead of stagnating in the mournful end of my marriage, I’m looking forward, sifting through the aftermath, piecing together a new normal which, has been and still is, by far the hardest period of my life to date. Although I’m feeling much happier than I was, I’ve decided to start counselling which I see as a really positive step. I now have a clearer view in my mind of certain aspects of my life I’m not coping well with and things I’m finding near impossible to process in my mind so it seems the right time to get a bit of outside help. When you separate no one hands you a guide book on how best to get on with your life, or at least nothing tailored to your exact circumstances and temperament. It seems every week brings new situations to process/delicately handle and I’ll be the first to admit I don’t always get things right… and when I don’t get things right, that gets piled onto the ever mounting pressure and guilt I’ve built up. Not knowing what to do for the best and struggling to keep emotions under control on top of all the additional responsibilities of being a single parent is taking it’s toll and I just don’t want my own negativity impacting on the children and other family members. That’s not to say I don’t get time on my own to spend how I please but even that comes parceled with a side order of guilt and feeling of unease, particularly when you catch yourself moving on and god forbid feeling happy.
Having said that, although I have moments or even days when I’m feeling like I’m losing the fight, it’s only when I look back that I realise I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. I’m doing more than I’ve ever had to do before… under really difficult (sooo wanted to swear then) circumstances. I’m trying my best and although it isn’t always good enough, I (sometimes) accept that it’s all I can give at the moment.
It’s pants… but it’s happened and regardless of all the bad times, I’ve also shared lots wonderful days with my two monkeys, with lots more in the making. Every morning I wake up to happy smiling children and as long as that keeps happening, I’m winning at life.