I’ve just logged back on after (a year?) to try and write some words down. I’m sorry if this turns into a bit of a dear diary post but I’ve decided to use my somewhat dormant platform as a partial form of therapy.
You know when you feel like you keep turning major corners and reaching milestones, breathless and ready to collapse on the sofa. Well, my life at the moment feels like a continuous string of those moments except when you reach those corners and look ahead, you see nothing but more obstacles. What the hell is that about?! Urgh.
In the past 6 months, I’ve gone into full-time work, waving goodbye to precious time with Eleanor, gone through monthly financial issues (I won’t bore you with that but lets just say I’ve spent many hours listening to the Universal Credits hold music on my lunch breaks). I’ve sent many uncomfortable well thought out but ultimately bullshit emails, suffered numerous bite my tongue, take deep breath moments, read things about myself that I honestly tell myself anyway (thanks for reinforcing it, you did well). Oh and I’m currently going through selling our family home. I feel like I spend most my time holding things up and pulling myself together. It’s fucking exhausting.
The thing I always try and pursue is what those well-organised people call ‘balance’. While I’m absolutely stressed out of my head with to-do lists, anxiety and ‘WTF’ (It’s a thing…), my kiddies… my bloody lovely adorable frustratingly fiercely lovable beings are my first thought (obviously). It’s not actually that hard for me to do that but I do feel like I’m holding a door with the world trying to break through to protect them. At the moment my mind is so full, I have to cope with things one at a time, when I have time and head space because I have such little in me to cope and anything I do have will go to them. But at the same time I have to deal with the fall-out of knowing I’m being shit at everything else. Maybe it’s just a sad excuse and in reality I’m shit at everything, who knows?
Though, if there’s one thing I can’t stand more than missing a bill, not responding to an email or being an absolute dipsy lunatic is feeling like I could have done better for my kids. The main bulk of time I have to spend with them is every other weekend now and god forbid if that weekend ends with me feeling like I’ve spent too much time being cranky or exhausted. It’s like mum-guilt times a million since I separated from their dad and unfortunately it hasn’t got any easier.
Anyway, I’ve lost my trail of thought so I’m going to leave it there. I’m sure it will get easier.