The beginning of our new chapter
This is a post I never thought I would ever write and it’s probably (I hope) the hardest I will ever write. In all honesty I was in two minds about even coming back until tonight when I received a message from one of my readers asking if I was okay – cue the tears. Anyway, where have I been?
The truth is that in January my husband left me – to put it bluntly.
From that day, that second… my life tumbled down. The life I thought I had, the year I thought was ahead of me and all I was working towards had been pulled from underneath me. I’ve been to dark places I wouldn’t wish anyone have to visit and to be honest the thought of coming back on here made me feel like a fake. After all, the family I’ve been writing about these past few years no longer exists. It’s now all memories – albeit happy memories but now suddenly fraught with the feeling of grief.
Acceptance is a hard pill to swallow – not even a pill, that would be much easier. It’s a process… an unavoidable process that your body and mind tries so hard to reject and find a way around. I’m definitely at the point where I’m beginning to accept my new situation but it’s just been a very long and difficult road. I never thought I’d be celebrating my 30th and Eleanor’s 1st birthday as a single mother of two – but I did…. and I got through it.
How? Friends, family and even strangers.
I’m sat listening to music my friend Briony put together for me, talking to my friend Colette who will be giving me pointers on this post, I have my dad’s words of advice in my head when I’m feeling low and the support of pretty much everyone I know and love. It’s hard because I can see them trying to find words of comfort, feeling the pain for me but the reality is that other than handing me a bottle of red and just being there, it’s just something I have to endure and live past or through… not even sure of the right way of putting it just yet.
But, the biggest comfort of all and the main people in my life that have kept me getting up in the mornings (quite literally in fact) are the two wonderful, beautiful, amazing and undeniable pillars of hope in my life – my children.
I look at their faces every day and although I feel hurt for their loss I also feel the fight. What lives on is my will to give them the best of me, however small that best bit of me may seem on those bad days. I find it, and I give them my all. Yes, corners have been cut… one too many takeouts have been consumed and I’ve had to muddle through and adapt but I am patting my way in the dark, finding my new life.
I could go on and on about everything that has been lost and everything I miss but it’s all about looking forward now, which is why I have written this post. My life is my children and I… our future is wide open for whatever may come our way.
And so, 2 stone lighter (silver lining, eh) – this is the beginning of our new chapter.