My Christmas wish.

This time last year I hadn’t a clue what was lurking around the corner… I didn’t know that my life was about to turn upside down and never be the same again and I certainly didn’t know that it would be our last Christmas together as a family.

I’ve felt Christmas creeping up on me for a while now… for the first time, it’ll be all on me to make Christmas morning magical and I hope for their sake it goes by without any tears. Birthdays have come and gone, and sure they were difficult both logistically and emotionally but nothing compares to this time of year. You can’t move for images of idealistic family Christmases… constant reminders that it’s something you no longer have. The excitement that used to bubble up inside of me has replaced by apprehension and anxiety.

Christmas has shed this massive spotlight on all that has gone and all that has changed. I wish so much that they could have woken up every Christmas morning with both parents there watching their little hands rip open their presents with huge excited grins on their faces. But for whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be and coming from a family where both parents have always been under one roof, that’s very difficult to accept.

So this Christmas my wish is to get through it without the kids seeing my grief. I hope they feel loved and spoilt and they don’t notice the changes that are unavoidably apparent to me. I hope I’m feeling strong that day and am able to make the most of the time I do get to see them. And, regardless of what’s happened this year, I do genuinely hope that their daddy is also able to find peace, as I’ve no doubt that he will be feeling this as much as I am.

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