The beginning of our new chapter

This is a post I never thought I would ever write and it’s probably (I hope) the hardest I will ever write. In all honesty I was in two minds about even coming back until tonight when I received a message from one of my readers asking if I was okay – cue the tears. Anyway, where have I been?

The truth is that in January my husband left me – to put it bluntly.

From that day, that second… my life tumbled down. The life I thought I had, the year I thought was ahead of me and all I was working towards had been pulled from underneath me.  I’ve been to dark places I wouldn’t wish anyone have to visit and to be honest the thought of coming back on here made me feel like a fake. After all, the family I’ve been writing about these past few years no longer exists. It’s now all memories – albeit happy memories but now suddenly fraught with the feeling of grief.

Acceptance is a hard pill to swallow – not even a pill, that would be much easier. It’s a process… an unavoidable process that your body and mind tries so hard to reject and find a way around. I’m definitely at the point where I’m beginning to accept my new situation but it’s just been a very long and difficult road. I never thought I’d be celebrating my 30th and Eleanor’s 1st birthday as a single mother of two – but I did…. and I got through it.

How? Friends, family and even strangers.

I’m sat listening to music my friend Briony put together for me, talking to my friend Colette who will be giving me pointers on this post, I have my dad’s words of advice in my head when I’m feeling low and the support of pretty much everyone I know and love. It’s hard because I can see them trying to find words of comfort, feeling the pain for me but the reality is that other than handing me a bottle of red and just being there, it’s just something I have to endure and live past or through… not even sure of the right way of putting it just yet.

But, the biggest comfort of all and the main people in my life that have kept me getting up in the mornings (quite literally in fact) are the two wonderful, beautiful, amazing and undeniable pillars of hope in my life – my children.

I look at their faces every day and although I feel hurt for their loss I also feel the fight. What lives on is my will to give them the best of me, however small that best bit of me may seem on those bad days. I find it, and I give them my all. Yes, corners have been cut… one too many takeouts have been consumed and I’ve had to muddle through and adapt but I am patting my way in the dark, finding my new life.

I could go on and on about everything that has been lost and everything I miss but it’s all about looking forward now, which is why I have written this post. My life is my children and I… our future is wide open for whatever may come our way.

And so, 2 stone lighter (silver lining, eh)  – this is the beginning of our new chapter.

new start family picture

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  1. I’m so so sorry this has happened Danni, I truly hope you are ok. You’re such a wonderful person and amazing mum and I really hope the hurt is going away and that you’re able to start this new chapter with your lovely babies with only happiness following you xx

  2. Kelly Stirling

    Your children have such a wonderfully talented mum and I truly believe what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Thinking of you. X

  3. Oh my love, that must have been so hard to write. I’m so sorry for the horrible time you’ve been through but I’m so glad you’re back. Here’s to new beginnings and a fresh start for you and your beautiful, beautiful children. Big hugs. Life sucks sometimes xxxxxx

  4. I’m so glad you’ve found the strength to come back to your blog! Sometimes horrible and painful experiences pull you down to a dark place, but if you’re lucky you will learn to fight and pull yourself back up. I know you’re a fighter and I’m looking forward to reading your blog again. Those are way too cute not to be shared! You only live once, so embrace life. I’m sure you will. :) lots of love xxx

  5. I am so sorry to hear this. I never know what to say in these situations but just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you xxx

  6. Oh I am so sorry chick, you have been through so much. My dad left my mum with three under four and I still have the utmost respect for her and the way she brought us up. You are such a lovely person and I am glad your friends and family are close.

  7. I’m so sorry to read this. My partner left us more recently too. So I can certainly relate. It will be ok and you will get through it. You have your beautiful children to keep you strong and your blog for support. Sending lots of hugs. Xx

  8. ‘m so proud of you. For writing this post. For putting one foot in front of the other and for keeping going. Your babies are amazing & so are you x

  9. I’m so sorry you’ve had a hard time recently and I wish you well for the future, all the best xx

  10. Oh Danni, I’m so sorry you’ve been through this, but I’m so proud of you for picking up the keyboard again. Your little family is so beautiful and I hope you can find a way to continue to share your life together with us all. Sending love and strength xxx

  11. I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are doing so well and I’m glad you are over the worst. I love how your have you dads words in your head at hard times xx

  12. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this post was to write. You’re an amazing person and mother. Your babies will want for nothing because you fill their loves with love each and every day. (Ok they might want chocolate once in a while, but don’t we all)! I’m so proud of you for writing this post and getting up and dusting yourself down. I wish there was a way to take away the hurt, but as you say… It’s a process you need to work through. Now – a bottle of Red, you say? Xx

  13. Good on you hon. It’s a horrible time and it feels like it’ll be like that forever, but it gets much easier and in time you will be able to move on. I split with my ex in full view of the public (we were instrumental in a forum of 8000 people who all felt they knew us and were stunned and upset we split). I also had to make the same decision as you when Elspeth died. I’m glad I decided to carry on because the online support really helps. I hope it’ll help you too. You CAN do it and you will be okay. You are great xxx

  14. Sending you all the love. It’s never easy but you are doing great. Not being afraid to lean on others is a great strength so do it as much as you can until you are ready. Your babies are so lucky to have you x

  15. H

    Oh Danni. I wondered where you had been. I’m so sorry to hear this but the 3 of you will come out stronger.

    The pain will heal with time. For now you have your two beautiful children so focus on making happy new memories.

  16. I’m really sorry this has happened to you lovely. You will emerge from this a stronger person, I bet you’ll do things that you didn’t realise you’d do on your own. I hope that time is kind to you and helps it is like a grieving process, ive seen friends go through it just horrible but you’ll be okay much love xxx

  17. I’m so sorry to see this and am glad you are being open. Sometimes, keeping things secret perpetuates the shame. There is a single parent bloggers group you will be welcomed in when you are ready. In the mean time, just do what you can, take a day at a time and pace yourself, You will find your way. You will all be fine. Here if you need an experienced shoulder x

  18. I know what you mean about coming back to blogging after a break-up. When Amy’s dad and I separated in summer, I couldn’t blog about anything personal at all. It just felt wrong and I also wasn’t ready that share that our oh so happy life had fallen apart. 9 months on, I’m in a much happier place. Everything will work out in the end, you’ll find a new routine and you will be happy again, I promise! Big hugs x

  19. Keith Adams

    Lovely post Danni. Whilst we know there’s a long way to go, glad to see you returning to blogging and some sense of normality. Been such a horrible experience for all of us but you’ll be stronger for it in the long run. Love you all so much. xxxx

  20. I’m sorry you’ve had such a shitty start to your year but I’m immensely happy that you’ve had such supportive people around you to keep you sane and to pass the wine.
    I started the year newly single, also seeing in my 30th without the partner I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with so I empathaise with you although I know every person is different and I won’t pretend I know the pain you went through.
    Well done for writing this, I hope it was cathartic xxx

  21. Emily

    My husband left me and our 3 children also in January. Never ever thought I would be in this situation. I spent days lying in the closet sobbing. Now, as time has passed a little, I think maybe I do this. I would have never left him. And so I never would have known the relief of not having him either. Although it crushes my world, it’s possible that the light at the end of the tunnel is there.. But how can they do this?

  22. Lean on those around you and let them take some of the strain, what you’re going through is hard emotionally, mentally and physically and it’s so easy to just clam up and pretend everything is fine. Every passing day things will get easier, every passing month a bit more of the pain disappears and this time next year you’ll be a whole new person who won’t recognise the person you are today.
    On to bigger and better things my love, it’s easy to say of course- but I’ve found it to be the truth in my hardest of break ups.

  23. Lovely to have you back chick! I am so sorry to hear what’s happened – as the post states though, it is a new chapter! Things will fall into place over time and you have your two little ones to keep you strong. Sending much love xx

  24. So brave to write this, thank you. I have friends going through this right now.
    Wishing an amazing new chapter!
    Amanda xx

  25. You are showing such strength and courage in difficult times… your little ones are lucky to have you as I know you feel lucky to have them and us readers are lucky to have your honest and pure thoughts as you continue to blog on.

    Thinking of you and wishing happiness your way

    Jim (OneDadOneBlog) x

  26. I hope things gallop towards happy for you, this most have been hard but hopefully cathartic post to write x

  27. Hi Danni, just wanted to add another virtual hug to the many you’ve already received.I am, even after 4 1/2 years of being a single mum to my 3, still cutting corners.Even though I initiated my split from my husband, it didn’t make things any easier.Remember to love yourself and ask for help.Take care x

  28. Bobo Sum

    I am a stranger but I have been following your blog since I got pregnant and my daughter is six months old now. I am sorry for reading this post but be strong and u are a great mum.

  29. I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, but take it from someone who has been there – YOU WILL BE OKAY.

    I moved out with Elsa into our own little flat in October and every day is a struggle but it’s also a blessing and we are enjoying our new little adventure.

    Stay strong, and if you need an extra person to talk to then don’t hesitate to tweet or email or whatever :)

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